Thursday, December 2, 2010

parenthood + defining relationships

There are times in life that are significant in relationships. Challenges that show us who our friends truly are. Those who stick with us through a rough patch are the ones worth having around for good. There are others who you find are just good time friends that disappear when things get tough. I think we've all heard this, and most likely experienced it.

There are transitions in life like moving away, and  graduating from High School or College that take you into a new stage of life where friendships may change or dissolve. My mom always told me that this would happen, because she lost touch with all of her old friends. I was sure this could never happen to me.

I never expected being faced with defining relationships when things in life are going well, when it changes, but for the better. When Ben + I got married we saw less of some friends. Things like physical distance wasn't the issue, we just realized we were no longer getting invited to things. We'd have people over but rarely or never be invited in return. This obviously didn't happen with everyone, but enough people to make us wonder if it was normal.

The friends that we lost touch with, or just grew apart from were good ones, but not life long or best friends. It was a bummer, but not a significant loss.

Then we became parents. We were surrounded by loved ones who wanted to meet our son, support us, and be a part of this new adventure in our lives. Sadly, and quite unexpectedly, there were some that didn't make that effort. Perhaps they didn't want to overwhelm us, or they didn't know how to react. But, it has been about a year and a half and still little to no contact. Some friendships became one sided, calls and emails and attempts to get together were not returned. It's disappointing...heartbreaking.

What's worse are the excuses. The lamest excuse on the planet, in my opinion, is claiming busyness. No one is ever too busy to make time for those they care about. No one. If you care, you make time. Simple.

I do understand that once some friends are married, some aren't, some have kids, and some don't, that things can get complicated. When people have less in common than they used to, perhaps the motivation to continue the relationship is lost. There is a lot wrong with that to me. Shouldn't we all strive to have a diverse group of people with influence in our lives?

Perhaps there's a reason I'm missing. Most likely there's nothing I can do about it. To the friends, old + new, that have stuck around, made an effort, and continue to love and support us: Thank you. You are such a blessing.


  1. I have experienced this as well over the last several years and it sucks. And I guess on the other side, I'm just as guilty of not trying very hard either to maintain some friendships either. I agree you should never be too busy for those who matter most to you. It's just unfortunate when those you care about don't feel the same way (or show it). Great and honest post.

  2. This has happened to us, too - most noticed during big life transitions like you mentioned above. Though it was sad, it makes some sense to me, that is when I think about why one gets into a relationship in the first place. Common ground is why a lot relationships are started and maintained. When one of the parties no longer has things in common with the other, or if those things that used to be important between you are much lower in priority or value now, the relationship no longer has that shared ground.
    I was told once that there are different kinds of relationships and that God puts people into our lives (and us in others') for reasons/seasons. Some are short, some are long. This has brought me peace and appreciation for these relationships as I go along my way.
    Though I might not have the same relationship with those lost, I am still able to have contact with some/most of them. Who knows what future circumstances may come that may bring us closer in a different context.


thanks for responding, I love your feedback!

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